30

Posted on | March 14, 2012 | 5 Comments

The day is upon me. Today is my 30th birthday. I’ll spare you my thoughts about how I feel about that (hint: those thoughts are not exactly warm and fuzzy) and instead reflect on the project I began three years ago.

My 15 Before 30 list started as a whim, sat in a state of stasis for about a year and then took off and became something else entirely. I’ve already documented what led me to write the list in the first place and why I choose all the items on the list (those reasons can be found here: part one, part two and part three), so now it’s time to look back at the list as whole and reflect on my progress.

1. Lose weight and get into shape.
2. Go skydiving.
3. Get a tattoo.
4. Have something I’ve written published in a national magazine or newspaper.
5. Fall in love.
6. Go to India.
7. Completed
8. Become fluent in French.
9. Go to Vegas and gamble for real.
10. Learn to snowboard.
11. Go commando for a day.
12. Take a trip by myself – with no regrets.
13. Run a 5k race.
14. Raise $1,000 for breast cancer research.
15. Kiss a stranger.

Of the 15 items on my list, I can safely say I completed nine of them and sort of say that I made a valiant effort at a tenth (I’m definitely not fluent in French, but I have significantly improved my understanding of it. My pronunciation, however, remains horribly American). Whether I was challenging myself to run my first 5k race (getting in shape and losing weight in the process) or facing my irrational fear of needles by getting a tattoo, I can absolutely say that I’ve had some incredible experiences as a a result of this list – with a very permanent, very cherished tattoo to prove it. I may not have summoned the courage to kiss a stranger or found my way to Vegas and India, but I can say with absolute certainty that I do not regret the things I accomplished nor do I regret trying to accomplish the few things that ended up falling short.

A list is just a thing. It has no inherent power. But just the act of writing down these goals made me accountable in a way I hadn’t been before and then sharing this list with, essentially (thanks to the Internet), the world, I had the incentive to take charge of my life and do things I had only ever thought or dreamed about. There’s something exhilarating about doing the things you say you want to do. Maybe it sounds crazy to say I forced myself, but in a way I did and I’m not sure I can adequately explain how very glad I am that I forced myself.

Sure, there have been physical changes – the weight lost, the tattoo, even the wrist injury I sustained while attempting to snowboard – but the greatest changes are mental, emotional and psychological. I am not the same person I was three years ago. I’m not even sure 27-year-old Meredith would recognize 30-year-old Meredith. Though at my core I believe I am essentially the same person, I know that these last three years have twisted and shaped me in ways I never saw coming. And I’m glad for that. I am so immeasurably glad that I am not the same person I used to be – which is not to say the old me was bad or faulty or defective. It’s just that I’m stronger, more confident and wiser now. But, of course, hindsight is always 20/20 and I couldn’t know this until I got here.

You may have noticed that I crossed off “fall in love” on my list. Curious about that? Well, there’s no secret boyfriend or fiance or husband waiting in the wings (and even if there was, I’m not crazy enough to write about my relationship in detail online). No, I figured that I deserved to cross that item off my list because I fell in love with myself. Yes, it sounds corny and cliched and yes, even I’m rolling my eyes, but whatever – it’s my life, my blog, my list. Self-confidence and self-esteem are two things I’ve struggled with for a very long time and whether it had to do with my 15 Before 30 list or just life in general, I can say that these past three years (and 2011 in particular) have given me a newfound appreciation for myself. I’m happier and even though there are days where I feel like I still have a long ways to go, I’m light-years from where I used to be.

I don’t necessarily want to imbue this 15 Before 30 list with special, magical powers, but it really has turned out to be an incredible motivator and agent for change. I made the choices, I pushed and challenged myself, heck I even made the list in the first place. But simply having it in the first place set on off on this path three years ago and I’m going to be forever grateful that it did.

So, maybe turning 30 isn’t so bad. Besides, I’ve already started my 30 Before 35 list. I can’t let myself get lazy now!

Off the Hook

Posted on | February 10, 2012 | 3 Comments

Last week, amid my other random thoughts, I mentioned that I was really enjoying and loving my new job. Of course I’m thrilled about this, but like anything else, there’s a flip side to the story. This new job that I love also requires a lot more of my time and attention (especially when compared to all the oodles of “free” time I had while unemployed) and honestly, something has to give.

Lately, writing posts for Ordinary Mer has felt like a chore. I just don’t feel like I have enough time or enough good (or even halfway decent) ideas. As you may or may not know, I also maintain a book blog and keeping up with two blogs, while giving 110% to my job means that I’ve been rethinking my approach to blogging in general.

I started this blog a little under three years ago and as I now approach Ordinary Mer’s third anniversary – and my upcoming 30th birthday, I need to take a step back and figure out what, exactly, I’m doing with this space. I want to keep it, if only for archival purposes. All of my progress with regards to my 15 Before 30 list is documented here and I at least owe my two or three readers a final report on how I did and what I learned during that process. (It also shouldn’t surprise you to learn that I’ve already started compiling my 30 Before 35 list.)

But at the same time, I just feel like I can’t keep up with two blogs, while also working, having something that resembles a social life, sleeping, exercising, maintaining my sanity, etc. I want to want to write, instead of feeling like I spend all my time in front of a computer, be it at work or at home. The book blog is different, because I find it easier to write those reviews and because I always make time to read, no matter what.

So I’m not exactly sure when my next post will be, aside from one Wordless Wednesday I already have scheduled. I know I will be back eventually, because I feel like I need this space for therapeutic purposes, to get the thoughts and words out of my head. And besides, it’s a Presidential election year. God knows somebody’s going to do something that pisses me off and I’ll be back to write an angry rant. But for now, I’m letting myself off the hook when it comes to regularly scheduled posts. I just need to find a rhythm and schedule that works for me again.

I hope you’ll be here whenever I come back.

Wordless Wednesday (57)

Posted on | February 8, 2012 | No Comments