Know Thyself

Posted on | August 6, 2010 | 5 Comments

Quick – you have 2 minutes to define yourself and no time for prep. Ready…set…go!

No matter how self-confident you are, no matter how assured or well-adjusted you are, there’s a pretty good chance you don’t know yourself nearly as well as you think you do. One of the things I’ve noticed this summer is that meeting new people – whether it’s through online dating, the community of bloggers, or just plain old-fashioned networking – really forces you to rethink everything you thought you knew about yourself. When you suddenly have to explain yourself to or define yourself for someone else, you’re placed in the position of having to think about what other people want to know – and oftentimes, you come to the realization that you don’t know yourself like you thought you did.

Most of the time, we’re certain of who we are, but when we’re in the process of getting to know a new person, either online or off, it’s kind of amazing what you can learn about yourself. It’s fascinating to learn how other people see you, what traits stand out for them, versus how you see yourself. And it’s also incredibly interesting to find out the parts of your life that are so integral, so ingrained in who you are, that you weren’t even conscious of them.

As I’ve ventured into this world of online dating and faced the task of having to define myself in terms of a dating profile or responses to email questions, it’s been a real learning opportunity for me to discover what, exactly, I deem important. Yes, we all think we “know” what we want in a potential boy/girl friend or spouse, but when you’re asked to actually articulate those things, it can be a surprising self-discovery. I’ve learned, for instance, that what I thought I wanted and what I may actually want – or need – are not at all the same thing.  I’ve learned that I’m incredibly independent and letting someone new in is harder than I anticipated. I’ve learned that I’d very much like someone who can love the very different parts of me – the part that likes to deeply discuss religion and politics and the part that wants to dress up like a Jedi for Comic-Con. Having to explain myself to someone else has given me the chance to learn so much more about the different facets of my personality and I feel I know myself so much better as a result.

At the same time, meeting a new friend online made me realize (1) how essential my family is to my life and (2) how that’s not necessarily the norm. I’ve always thought of my family as a close one, but I don’t think I truly appreciate just how much I talk about them or just how close I keep them to my heart on a day-to-day basis. It wasn’t until my new online friend commented about how often I spoke about them that I even realized how integrated they are into everything I do. And I also learned how unique my habits just may be, because I’ve met some people this summer who aren’t as close to their families or who don’t have large and complicated family trees.

Call it obliviousness or ego, but I have to honestly say that it never once occurred to me to think about how my family looks to someone on the outside. In my mind, my family is my family and there isn’t a whole lot I could do – or would want to do – to change it. As complicated and messy as it is, it’s my family. And that includes the people who aren’t “technically” related to me, but who might as well be family anyway. It’s the only family I’ve ever known. I sometimes do a lot of complaining about feeling lost in such a large family, but as I’ve met some new people and gotten a sense of how their families operate, I know I wouldn’t want to trade my large family in for anything. Oh, I’ll still reserve the right to complain sometimes, but if the alternative is to have to choose between family members or lose the closeness I so obviously cherish, I’ll take what I’ve already got.

Some people can go their entire lives and never truly understand themselves. Maybe it’s just who I am, but I’ve always tried to wrestle with my identity and figure out what I want out of life. I think I always sort of assumed the answer lay within myself, but once I had the chance to meet new people this summer, I realized just how much we can learn about ourselves when we’re asked to define ourselves for someone else.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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