Do You See What I See?

Posted on | August 16, 2010 | 3 Comments

A week or so ago, I wrote about the things I learned about myself as a direct result of meeting new people. I found it fascinating partly because I always assumed I knew myself very well, and partly because sometimes, it can be difficult to see yourself clearly. Other people can offer you a perspective that you alone can’t see no matter how hard you try. It occurred to me later: what about my family and friends? What, I wondered, do the people who know me the best see in me? Would they see the same things a stranger sees? Or would they see something else entirely?

So I asked them. I emailed about 15 or so friends and family, people I interact with a regular basis, and tasked them with choosing four descriptors to describe me; 11 people ultimately participated. I gave them a pool of 32 descriptors to choose from, to give some structure and limit options (making it easier to draw conclusions). I also only included positive attributes, because let’s face it – if you’re going to ask family and close friends to describe you in four words, do you really want to know what negative things they might say? Yeah, I didn’t either.

The descriptors with the highest modes were intelligent (7), perceptive (6) and thoughtful (5). There were also three responses each for: articulate, caring, creative, good listener, hard working and passionate. (As a side note, many people did express some frustration with having to choose only four; in some cases, they felt more than four descriptors could easily describe me, but since they had to limit their choices, they said they picked the four most dominant character traits.)

I sincerely doubt it comes as a shock to learn that some of the results surprised me. It was intriguing to see which people selected which descriptors – in some cases, I think I was surprised that Person X or Person Y saw me in a certain way. It was also truly fascinating to see how other people’s perceptions of me compare to my own self-perceptions.

One person selected “ambitious” as a choice and while I know (s)he didn’t mean it in a negative way, I did still have a strong gut reaction. My initial thought was, “Ambitious sounds so cut-throat. I’m not like that.” And therein lies the lesson of this experiment. The whole point of this little exercise was to learn more about myself. While I don’t think of myself as ambitious, someone else obvious does. And that’s okay. Besides, just because I perceive ambition in a negative way doesn’t mean it actually is a negative trait. Isn’t saying I’m ambitious just another way of saying I have goals and I go after them?

Interestingly, only two people consider me loyal, which is a trait I’ve always associated with myself and one I’ve actually been quite proud of. As I mentioned above, limiting the choices to four determined the final results, so it’s possible other people considered loyal as an option, but then chose a different (stronger?) trait in the end. Since it is a trait I always self-identified with, however, I did think it noteworthy that only two of 11 people ultimately chose it.

One of the most revealing aspects of this experiment was seeing which character traits my family and friends did not choose. While I had no expectation of being considered optimistic or easy-going (and would probably have laughed if someone chose either of those two), I’ll admit to being a little disappointed that no one chose funny or affectionate. I’m not criticizing the choices that were made, but there’s an interesting push and pull between how I want to come across to other people and how I actually come across. Despite all the good qualities other people see, it seems I’m still hoping or wishing that other parts of my personality were more visible – or existent at all.

I did this experiment on a whim, inspired in the moment. I could drive myself crazy, analyzing the results over and over until they no longer hold any meaning. Instead, I think maybe the lesson I need to take away from all of this is that people already like me as I am, for who I am. Maybe it’s only me who thinks I need to change. And, at the end of the day, if I do go changing at all, it shouldn’t be because I’m trying to please someone else or fit into another person’s ideal. I should only change if and when I decide I want to and only for myself.

Many thanks to everyone who participated. You can see all of the results here.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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