Darwin was right

Posted on | August 18, 2010 | 2 Comments

At the end of Monday’s post,  I questioned the idea of changing and whether or not I really needed to change at all. My online friend Kim offered up this comment:

Maybe “change” just isn’t the right word for what you feel you have to do. Maybe it’s more like “evolve.”

And, of course, I knew she was right. It’s not necessarily about changing, but about evolving: I’m not becoming a different person or changing my original nature. I’m simply developing and gaining through experience. We’re nearly nine months into this year and when I look back on all that has happened so far, I see that it hasn’t been about changing myself or my life, but rather about taking control and becoming the person I want to be.

In a lot of ways, I’m still complaining, still worrying, still freaking out as much as I always have, but instead of just leaving things like that, now I’m also doing something to make things better.

While I’m sure there are plenty of people who might disagree, I’m actually a pretty passive person. For a very long time, I just waited for life to happen to me. For awhile, just the thought of the life I wanted was enough – but it’s not anymore. Dreams aren’t enough; now I feel the need to actually do something to try to make those dreams come true, even if I end up failing spectacularly.

It’s not just about the 15 Before 30 list or even the online dating adventures (though those do play a part). It’s about being an active participant in my own life.

If left my my own devices, I could easily curl up with a thousand books and never want to leave my apartment. But as idyllic as that may be, the realist-pragmatist part of me knows that I can’t do that. Life won’t magically give me what I want on my doorstep. I have to walk out that door myself and go chasing after it.

I can complain, worry, or freak out about something (as I am wont to do) or I can try to change it and find a solution. Even if it terrifies me, even when I know it will terrify me, I have to force myself to do it because the only other option is to not do anything at all. I’ve already done that for so much of my life. I’m tired of being passive.

I’m still the same person, at my core. I just think I’m starting to become a better version of the old me – a stronger Mer, a more self-confident Mer, a Mer who spends more time focusing on what’s good (in life and within myself) and does more to try to eliminate the negative and the doubts. A Mer who’s trying to be a better person for myself and myself alone – not for anyone else.

And so, Darwin (and Kim) were right – I’m evolving. I mean, yes, evolution does involve change to some degree. But I’m not becoming this radically different person. I’m just evolving into a better me – adapting over time to the world around me.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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