Eenie Meenie Miney Mo

Posted on | July 21, 2010 | No Comments

We all make choices. Every day, we are faced with any number of situations which will require us to choose between two or more things. Some choices are easy; others are much more difficult. Either way, a choice must still be made.

Growing up with divorced parents, it seems like there was a greater element of choice inherent in my childhood. Sure, my parents came up with a custody schedule, but I had a say too and was sometimes put in the position of choosing: where to spend Thanksgiving, where to spend Christmas, what to do about school and summer vacations. Even when the ultimate and final choice wasn’t mine, I still spent time feeling anxious about the choices in front of me.

I worried that one parent would feel slighted over the other; I was afraid of disappointing one or the other. Even as I got older and my choices became much more selfish, I still knew, in the back of my mind, that I would be responsible in some way for making someone unhappy, based on the choices I made. I convinced myself it would be different when I was an adult. An adult could do whatever he or she wanted to do, right?

Well, I’m an adult now (most days anyway), I can do whatever I want, but I still have to make choices and someone is still disappointed about those choices – only this time, the person who’s disappointed is me.

This past weekend, I had to choose between visiting with my dad in CT or spending more time with my grandparents. I don’t get to see either very often and I knew that no matter what choice I made, I’d end up partially disappointed with the result.

Even after 25 years, it still sometimes feels like I’m stuck in the middle. It’s not necessarily intentional on the part of my family, but it’s an awkward feeling nonetheless. No matter how much progress the various factions of my family have made in terms of keeping the peace and co-habitating, there’s still a gulf that exists and it doesn’t seem like it will ever be bridged. Add in additional (step)siblings, in-laws, nieces, nephews and other family to consider and I wonder if any choice I make will ever make every happy.

I know it sounds like I’m complaining; I don’t mean to. As large and crazy and complicated as my family is, I do actually like it just the way it is. I wouldn’t want to change anything or lose anyone, but it does mean that my choices now affect more people and the more people involved, the greater the chance that I’m going to wind up disappointing people all over again, myself included.

I ended up spending the weekend in CT with my father, brother and sister-in-law. We even managed to fit in a side trip to see my aunt and uncle. I had a really good time and enjoyed everyone’s company.

But when I got home on Sunday night and called my mother to let her know I was home, I could hear my grandparents and other siblings in the background, while my nephews came to the phone to say hello. There was laughter and love evident in the noise and at that moment I wished I had been there. I had made my choice, but I still couldn’t help regretting that I wasn’t able to choose both choices.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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