The (Wo)man in the Mirror

Posted on | April 19, 2010 | 1 Comment

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways…
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
- Michael Jackson

My apologies to the King of Pop for co-opting his lyrics for my own purposes, but they seem to fit quite nicely. You see, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m changing, physically and mentally, since I’ve started attacking my 15 before 30 List in earnest. There are days when I look in the mirror and think, “who are you?!”

I knew when I made the list that it would require a great deal of commitment and effort on my part and, caught up in the excitement of setting all these fabulous goals for myself, I thought, “no problem!” The reality, of course, is much different.

I started by tackling the biggest items first, the ones I know will probably take me the next two years to finish: losing weight (#1) and running a 5k (#13).

I’m not sure what changed exactly, but sometime after Christmas I decided that I really needed to kick my butt into gear and actually start something. So I asked Santa to bring me sessions with a personal trainer. Now, four-ish months later, I sometimes wonder what possessed me at the time.

These days, I drag my sorry behind out of bed at 6am and, twice a week, head to the gym in my apartment building to meet with my trainer, who generally makes me feel like I want to die, all before I go to work for eight hours. On the other days, I’m working out on my own. I’m also cooking my own food more often (as opposed to eating pre-packaged junk), I asked the Birthday Fairy for a food scale and sent a request to the Easter Bunny for some free weights for my apartment.

WTF?!

I’m not saying that any of these decisions were bad ones – quite the opposite, in fact. These are good decisions, but they are also very un-Ordinary Mer-like decisions. A year ago, even six months ago, I would not have thought that this is who I would be. I’m changing (which is inevitable) and sometimes I worry that if I change too much, I’ll stop being who I am.

It probably sounds silly. After all, how could exercise and healthy eating be a bad change? But I think I am so used to thinking of myself in a certain way that it’s a bit unsettling when I find myself doing things that contradict my preconceived notions about myself. (Does that even make any sense?!?) There’s nothing to reassure me that these good changes won’t also somehow lead to not-so-good changes.

I guess, since there aren’t really any guarantees in life, there’s no way of knowing what will happen in the future. I could end up failing spectacularly. I could also end up succeeding beyond my wildest expectations. I suspect there will be many more changes to come as I set off on this crazy journey. As long as I can stay as true as possible to who I am at my very core, I might as well enjoy the ride.

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