Seeing Clearly

Posted on | April 10, 2010 | No Comments

I am, perhaps, the worst judge of myself. I suspect a lot of people are like this, but I’m very bad at offering perspective on myself because I don’t see me the way other people see me. It’s like looking in a mirror – we’re seeing a version of what other people see, but it’s off somehow. It’s backwards from what other people see and it’s never quite the same. We just don’t have the same perspective on ourselves that others do and this applies both literally and figuratively.

I had my one-year review at work this week – yesterday, in fact – and I spent a lot of the week worried and nervous about the review and its possible outcomes.

I attribute my nerves partly to a previous employer, who thought reviews were a time to list a litany of negative things about my job performance without any constructive feedback or praise for the things I was doing well. As a result, my confidence gets a little shaky any time the words “job performance” enter my vocabulary.

But the nerves are also the result of the fact that I don’t see myself as clearly as other people do. I’ve got a decent amount of self-esteem and I know I have certain skills and abilities, but I’m also likely to be much harsher on myself than other people might be. I don’t always know how I appear to other people, so I tend to err on the side of caution and assume I come off worse than I really do.

As a result, it’s hard for me to believe or accept praise when it comes from someone other than my parents (since they’re responsible for my existence, I tend to think that they’re predisposed to liking me and the things I do). It’s not that I think the praise is undeserved or wrong; it’s simply that I’m often surprised by how other people see me because I have such a hard time seeing the same thing.

Of course, since I often expect something worse, it’s a nice surprise when things work out well. The review went very well, which I probably could have anticipated if I wasn’t so neurotic. I was able to articulate how much I love my job and how I thought I could continue to improve.

So I’m learning. I’m gaining more confidence and I’m starting to get a glimpse of the person other people see.

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