Realism vs. Romance

Posted on | February 12, 2010 | No Comments

Valentine’s Day is a couple days away and, like so many previous years, I don’t have a valentine this year. Now, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but when I’m surrounded by lovey-dovey couples, it does prompt some soul-searching.

I’m the romantic sort. I love all the things we tend to roll our eyes at: flowers, walks on the beach, sappy, saccharine love songs on the radio. And because I read quite a bit and have an overactive imagination, I usually have all sorts of unrealistic romantic fantasies running through my head – you know, the ones starring Mr. Darcy, Heathcliff, Romeo and Edward Cullen.

In the midst of searching my soul, however, I came across a review for a book by Lori Gottlieb entitled Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Originally an article for Atlantic magazine (in March 2008), Gottlieb’s very divisive and controversial theory is this: don’t wait for Mr. Right, when Mr. Good Enough is here now. Gottlieb argues that women shouldn’t hold out for “the one” while letting all the good guys we overlook get away, because “the one” might never show up. She says she isn’t asking women to give up on romance; instead, she’s asking them to redefine what romance is. She does say we shouldn’t lower our expectations about the truly important things (values, for instance) but that we should readjust when it comes to our preconceived notions of who we’re “supposed” to be with.

Needless to say, her theory isn’t popular at all (see exhibits one, two, three or four). Women across the blogosphere have been lining up since the original article to refute her ideas (and many of them make intelligent, constructive points in opposition to her theory). But there are also women who think Gottlieb is exactly right. And, I’ll admit, there’s a part of me that thinks she may be right too.

I don’t have guys knocking down my door to date me and nearly all of my male friends are engaged or married. I don’t think I get caught up with trivial things like physical looks or minor bad habits, but I am a romantic. I have definite ideas about what I think romance should be. And so Gottlieb’s book makes me wonder: am I unconsciously holding myself back from meeting someone because I don’t want my romantic fantasy ruined?

The other day, I was in line at the grocery store when a perfectly nice, average-looking guy struck up a conversation with me. I smiled, I answered back, I was polite and friendly. And then I left the store and promptly forgot about this guy (until now, obviously). Looking back at that exchange, I wonder if I could have been friendlier. Did I make enough eye contact? Did my body language indicate one thing, while my words indicated another? Should I have tried harder to make some sort of connection? Or am I so stuck on certain ideals that I ignored a perfectly nice guy right in front of me because I thought I couldn’t possibly meet someone in the grocery store?

The balance between realism and romanticism is an awkward place. The ideas of romance, love and beauty are all so subjective. And, of course, just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t automatically mean they will fall in love with you. Most of us, I believe, would admit to wanting the romance, wanting that swept-off-your-feet feeling. But that common aphorism – “nice guys finish last” – does have a lot of truth to it. So I don’t think it’s outside of the realm of possibility that Gottlieb has a valid argument.

While the idea about settling is, I think, worth exploring further, I don’t agree with all of Gottlieb’s premises, especially the one that assumes all women want a husband. I like to think of myself as a fiercely independent, 21st century feminist. I know that I don’t need a man to fulfill my life, but, since I’m being honest here, that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. Still, having a partner/husband and getting married are two very different things and I think Gottlieb focuses far too much on the “getting married” part as opposed to the “finding someone you like to be with” part.

I’m intrigued enough to borrow Marry Him! from the library. I’ll continue to read all of the criticisms and critiques of the book as well. And in the meantime, as I spend Valentine’s Day with Captain Wentworth and Mr. Rochester, I’ll continue to ponder the thin line between romance and realism and the possibility that the guy in the grocery store just might be “the one.”

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