My Own Worst Enemy

Posted on | December 9, 2009 | No Comments

We all have our moments – the good ones and the bad ones. If some Hollywood type were to do a retrospective of my life so far, the good moments and the bad moments would probably come out equal. Heck, the good ones might even come out ahead.

So why is it that I tend to dwell on the bad ones?

I had a rough week last week. I’m not sure whether it was re-entry after a long holiday weekend, outside distractions or just plain dumbness, but it was pretty much on par with Alexander’s terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. It wasn’t tragic or dramatic (I think), but I did make some mistakes – stupid, regrettable mistakes that I should not have made. These mistakes didn’t permanently alter my world, but they did shake my confidence and make me second-guess myself, my judgment and my intelligence.

The mistakes are done – they’re in the past and I can’t take them back or change the fact that they were made. I can only move forward. But despite my best efforts, I still dwell, beating myself up. I am my own worst enemy.

Any random person could try to make me feel bad about myself or the decisions I’ve made. But outside forces don’t even come close to the mental admonishments I sometimes self-inflict.

Maybe it’s because I hold myself to such high standards and I get disappointed in myself when I don’t measure up. Maybe it’s because I’m suffering from a spate of low self-esteem. Or maybe I’m just indulging in some good old-fashioned self-sabotage. Whatever the reason, I’m punishing myself more than anyone else ever did – or does.

I’m not usually like this; most of the time, I try very hard to make sure I stay positive. But every now and then we hit a bump in the road and we go flying. We’re faced with the unexpected realization (unexpected even when we’ve realized it before) that we’re not perfect and we make mistakes.

I shouldn’t beat myself up. I should remind myself that I’m allowed to make mistakes from time to time, as long as I can learn from them. But the tricky part about that realization is that it almost always comes in retrospect. Until retrospection comes, sometimes all we can do is wallow.

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