All by Myself

Posted on | October 5, 2009 | No Comments

Last week, Kristin wrote a post about “going it alone,” where she talked about learning how to do things alone for the first time. What she realized is that though she now knows she’s capable of going it alone, she doesn’t want to always do it alone: “I know I am capable of doing so much alone … but I’m just better with others, in general.”

Her post hit a nerve because being alone is something that comes up again and again for me. While Kristin said “Once upon a time, I didn’t know how to be alone,” I have the opposite problem. I’m too good at being alone. I’ve been doing it for so long and I’m worried that I’m not good at opening myself up to other people.

I didn’t set out to be alone; it just sort of happened. While my friends, siblings and even my parents found their other halves, I didn’t (at least not yet anyway). So I’ve learned to do things by myself and find ways to keep my life full. And most of the time I’m successful at being alone – I have family and friends around me, I have a day-to-day life that I love and I’m an independent, responsible and capable adult.

And I’m also lonely.

Not all the time and not every day, but the loneliness is there, like a background current that seeps into the corners of my life every now and then. I don’t think it takes away from all of the things I do have in my life, but the fact is that it’s ever-present and I can’t ignore it.

So I wonder if I’ve gotten too good at being alone, if I’m so used to doing things by myself that I – consciously or unconsciously – close myself off to other people. I wonder if people look at me and see someone guarded or reserved, unable to let anyone in. Sometimes I worry that I’m unapproachable, that I send out an invisible signal that scares people away. I am an introvert and I do find it difficult to be outgoing when faced with a large crowd or strangers I don’t know. I know I’m quiet sometimes when I should speak up, but whether by habit or design, I don’t.

I want to be friendly and outgoing. I want to be able to let new people into my life, to accept their help or even just let them walk along side me as a friend. Like Kristin, I know I’m capable of doing things alone, but I don’t necessarily want to. I just don’t know how to make that change.

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