Take a Look at Me Now

Posted on | June 30, 2009 | No Comments

This past weekend, I went to New York for my cousins’ graduations and to see some of my large extended family. I’m one of the oldest grandkids, so the majority of my cousins are younger than me. And now that some of them are no longer children, it’s strange to think of them as adults or even almost-adults.

It’s a little startling sometimes to realize that they’re not the same anymore. Instead of kids, I see adolescents, finishing high school, getting ready for college and testing boundaries. I see young adults in their early 20′s, struggling to figure out what their lives are going to be like. I see fearlessness, optimism, energy, attitude, and yes, even some immaturity and a sense of entitlement. I watch them interact with other family members and am surprised sometimes by how much has changed in such a short time.

Part of me wants to be the older, wiser cousin who offers sage advice and kicks their butts when they make stupid decisions. It’s the part of me that wants them to learn from my mistakes. But another part of me knows they need to make their own mistakes. They need to fall down and get back up on their own and nothing I could say would make any difference.

And then there’s the small, selfish and petty part of me that thinks, “Ha! You proved them wrong!” See, when I was a teenager, I was fairly typically obnoxious and difficult. I wasn’t Damian or anything, but I definitely had my moments. And I’m pretty sure some of my family members thought I was the “problem” grandchild, the one who would end up messed up or in trouble. Meanwhile, my younger cousins seemed like the golden children who could do no wrong, on track for a bright and prosperous future, free of problems or burdens. (Logically, this train of thought was dumb, because – of course – no one is perfect. But I’ve never really been very logical.)

Now, however, the roles are reversed. Now, it’s my cousins that struggle with their problems, while I have a happy, stable and responsible life. I don’t mean to rejoice in my cousins’ struggles. In fact, it makes me feel guilty. But that small selfish part of me does feel some sort of vindication for my family members’ previous judgments of me. There’s this sense of proving them wrong, of taking their expectations and far exceeding them.

I don’t know if it’s wrong to feel this way, but I have learned a valuable lesson. My cousins, for all of their faults and their merits, should not be judged by the way they behave at 16, 18, 20 or even 23. We can only be who we are at any given moment and as we grow older and (hopefully) wiser, we can work each day to be better than we were the day before.

It would be easy for me to gloat, to say, “You were wrong.” I could open my mouth and offer my opinion and advice, telling my cousins what I think they should do. But I don’t. I just smile and keep my thoughts to myself, because I know they aren’t always going to be the people they are today. They’re going to mature and grow and change, just like I did. I worked hard to create the life I’m living and I have every confidence that my cousins will – eventually – do the same.

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